Thinking

I never thought I'd end up a single mom.  Especially after 24 years of marriage.  And as I followed my son on the way to meet his date for the homecoming dance at a neighboring school, I couldn't help but think (and cry a little) about the turns our lives have taken this past year.

I am not one that thinks parenting is hard.  It is just something that you have to do.  I signed up to have kids almost 20 years ago.  And I have loved every minute of it.  And I am incredibly sad that I don't have someone to share the good times with.

It's scary watching your sign drive to pick up a date.  Just yesterday he was my little boy.

But I'm getting tired.  Tired of working 60+ hours a week to put a roof over our heads.  Tired of no help from my ex (I just finally got an award of temporary spousal support and child support - we will see if he pays it).  Tired of never having any extra. 

But at the same time, I know my son sees what is going on.  I know it in the way he asks me on a Saturday night if I have somewhere to go.  I see it when I'm sitting in the stands on Friday nights and when he comes to the sidelines after coming out on the field he finds me and gives me a thumbs up.  Lord knows he should hear me screaming for him. 

But at the same time, I wouldn't change this season of our life for anything (well, except maybe getting some financial support).  Because I am closer to my kids now than I have ever been.  I have a whole new circle of friends.  I have a place that is all my own to live and I am loving it. 

Getting back to life

I really don't know where to start.  A lot has happened over the last few months.  And I feel a need to come back to this space.  I miss the people, miss the documentation of what is going on in my life with my family.

My family of 4 is now a family of 3.  And I am happy with my life, finally.  After years of walking on eggshells, wondering if I had done everything correctly, I no longer have to worry.  No longer have to be afraid of what I do or don't do, say or don't say, where I go, who I run into, who I talk to.

After lots of shuffling around the last couple months, Tyler and I have landed somewhere.  It is still only temporary (hoping to find a rental with a little bit more room and a barn for his 4-H animals), but we can stretch out and breathe.  Jessie is living with her dad.  But I see her a lot and talk to her every day.

Moving 3 times in 6 months sucks.  The first one I knew about, the second one I had no clue, and this one?  This was our choice and we choose to be here.  The summer was good.  We stayed with my parents for a few months to get our bearings, heal emotionally and mentally and so Tyler wasn't alone while I was working.

Now, we have our own space, we can relax, I don't have to worry about him while I am working, we have friends close by if we need help, and I am seeing the smile return to his face.  That alone is worth everything we have been through over the last 5 years.

I thought this May he would never play football again, never play basketball.  But he decided last minute to play football.  He is starting varsity for offense and defense as a sophomore.  Last year he started on defense as a freshman.

I love going to games on Friday nights.  Watching these boys who are more like brothers do their jobs.  Have a good time.  Play hard.




A couple weeks ago he decided to go out for basketball again.  This thrills me to no end.  Because he has enjoyed basketball for so long I hate to see him give it up.  And I know he is now happy and thriving.

And while I'm in a job I absolutely hate, I'm thankful for the income so I can support my kids and myself on my own with no help whatsoever from their father.




I've had some pretty serious health diagnosis come up over the last few years, and am going to start tackling them and getting them under control.

So follow along on our journey to heal and put our lives back together.  We only get one life and I am determined to live this life on my terms and to the best of my ability.

Life

We've been swamped here.  Our house sold on January 9th.  So I've been doing lots of packing and moving 99% of our belongings into a storage unite (or 2 or 3).  The new soon to be owners have been very nice.  I still have no clue on where we are going here in a couple weeks.  I need to figure that out shortly don't I? Lol

In between packing neatly (throwing everything in boxes and totes) we've been watching lots of basketball.  Tyler got his varsity jersey 3 or 4 weeeks ago.

And our school was our county athletic league champions.  It was an exciting evening that is for sure.    I love this group of boys and their parents.  We always have a good time during the games.

It is really depressing being the shortest person in the family.  I keep telling Tyler he gets his height from me.  And he is growing.  Again.  And I have the grocery bills to prove it.

I'm off to pack more junk.  Have a good evening!!

Merry Christmas

In keeping with my last post on January 1 I started thinking.  And this year I'm focusing on health, wellness and love.  And my goals for myself.  It's been a long time since I've done what makes me happy.  

Jessie brought a new puppy.  And when she isn't here he is my little shadow.  Don't tell her but I really enjoy him.

The kids and I had a fantastic couple weeks.  I was off of work for 4 days.  We were up late, slept in, ate, cooked and simply enjoyed the holidays. 

I did 95% of my shopping on Amazon.  I ordered on a Wednesday, had it all by Saturday and just had to go out the Saturday before Christmas for about 3 hours.

From all of us to you, I hope you had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year11

Life takes a hard left

I thought I had it all.  A wonderful husband, terrific kids, a dream mini farm in the country.  Oh how naive I was.

5 years ago I got into some trouble with the law.  I'm not going into details at this point.  It's enough for me to recognize I was incredibly stupid. As one of my best friends and biggest supporters said - despite all that you are a fantastic person. Learn from it and grow.  It's behind you for a reason.

5 years ago last week my husband was in a farming accident.  He slipped on a patch of ice in front of a running corn picker and his hand/arm went into the head of our single row picker.  After a life flight right to a major trauma center and a month in the hospital - he lost his hand.

And we all lost something that following year.

I make no excuses for what I did. I betrayed people who trusted me implicitly.  But more importantly I betrayed the people closest to me.  We thought we could work through everything and keep our family together. But fate has different plans sometimes.

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I'm sure over the next few months I will do harder.  But I have realized something.

Major accidents/trouble can either define you or break you.  And I refuse to be broken.  Am I perfect?  Hell no absolutely not.  Sadly, my husband does not feel the same way.  I know it's depression and stress but I refuse to be bullied, belittled and degraded any more.  The defining moment was when my son said to me "I'd rather live on my own than in this house with you and dad always fighting."  And my daughter has asked why we can't just get along again like we used to.

And believe me - I would love to have my family back.  But I believe there is more and better out there for both of us.  I'm tired of walking on eggshells waiting for the blow ups.  I've tried to hold everything together for 5 long years.

And i realized something about 8 weeks ago. I was at the lowest of lows.  And I really didn't want to continue on with my life.  But my kids have grounded me and pulled me back from the edge time and time again.  Thankfully I have have the belief (and a doctor who agrees) that essential oils can do some good - but that modern medicine can step in and play an important role.

I'm not sure where this new life will lead us, but I intend to live it joyfully, honestly, and to the fullest of my ability.  We truly are given one life to live and I am going to make it a good one.

Blessing my friends

In between work and basketball games and driving to and from basketball practice and decorating my house for Christmas, I am hosting a Mini Kit Young Living class on Facebook.  Notice I didn't say Christmas shopping.  I have a new rule this year - I'm buying as little as possible in stores this year.  Amazon loves me.  I think I have 3 gifts to get that I will have to physically walk into a store.  And I'm trying to figure out how to buy those 3 gifts online too.

I have a great fear of getting up in front of people and talking.  I used to not be this way.  But life and circumstances have a way of changing you sometimes

The mini-kit classes have been a huge success.  I send you samples of the oils broken up into 3 packages, along with the supplies to actually use the oils in a beneficial way (think roller bottles, bath salts, thieves cleaner, a mini DIFFUSER, etc.)

It's been fun talking to everyone and sending out these little care packages.  These oils have helped me so so much.  And I love blessing my friends with a little gift every couple of weeks.

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas.  I love everything about it.  Except the shopping.  But decorating for Christmas?  I'm all over that.  The last couple of years I haven't wanted to decorate but I have done it.  This year I felt like I was getting my mojo back.

I've really cut down on the decorations I put out.  And this year I packed most all of my everyday decorations away.  And I'm all lot more relaxed - my house isn't as cluttered.   

 

Of course - I had to finish painting my living room.  Granted it was only 1 wall but I had painted the other 3 walls last February.  So it really didn't take long at all. 

  

I think I need a few more Santa's.    

  

In January (well, December 30th to be exact). I'll put away all my Christmas decorations and get out all my snowmen.  But I couldn't resist putting out this runner.  Mom and I made these years ago. 

  

I think I have 7 or 8 nativities.  I really need a few more.  

 

The kids helped me decorate both trees.  Every year we talk about cutting back on the ornaments.  And somehow they make it all on the trees.

 

One of my first Nativities.  Jessie put out most of them for me this year.  

The dogs aren't sure abut all the decorations - the trees have taken a few serious hits recently.

This wall hanging I had hung in my kitchen every year.  I'm thinking I like it here next to my mantle. At least it covers up this big area pretty well.

Tyler has a very extensive cowboy santa collection.  My parents have gotten him quite a few over the years.  

I need to find something for this tree to use as garland.  

Jessie drew the sign for me.  This chalkboard has come in handy ever since we brought it for her grad party.  I love my mantle this year.  I'm so thankful she is good at this and likes to do things like this.

I hope everyone has a fantastic evening!!

Growing Up

Can someone please tell me when my baby grew up?  Or maybe more accurately when he will stop growing?

Basketball has started.  And he is a starting player on the JV team.  Right now our JV team is 3-0.

I hope he is having the time of his life.  I could care less about the points he does or doesn't make.  What I want is for him to continue to be a good, decent human being.

Despite all the turmoil we are going through at home (more on that later - but right now it's a raw wound that we are trying to process) he still pushes through and plays hard.

It's funny - but I keep seeing him out on the court as the little boy that couldn't hit the broad side of the barn and was all gangly arms and legs.

And he would kill me for that.  But I guess at 15 1/2 and 6'4" its time he grew up.  

I just want to see both kids healthy happy and confident again.  We are getting there.

Husky Football

My son loves football.  And basketball.  And being a freshman he was prepared to have to work hard this year.  Our little school didn't have enough players for a freshman team.  So we were expecting him to have to play JV.

But he worked his tail off this summer and got to start Varsity on defense.    It was so much fun to watch him play all season on Friday nights.

Our football team may not have done as well as we would have liked, but this group of boys is a lot of fun.  It's great seeing them all support one another.

He is #33.  We have a parent who loves to take pics of the boys.  I have a good camera but it's hard to get pics from the stands.

While the team didn't have a very good season (3-7), the lessons these boys learned and the friendships they formed are more important than any win.

The last 3 or 4 games have been cold and rainy.  And now it's over for the year.

And now he has 3 or 4 days off and basketball starts.  I hope our school has a good season.  But either way, I know where I will be for the next few months:)

Chemical free cleaning

When I first got started with Essential Oils 10 or so years ago, I used the cheaper ones from my local health food store. And I saw on the label (of course afterwards) not for human consumption. Great. But I made my laundry soap, made my degreaser and my all purpose cleaner.  And I loved them. I truly did. And until recently I used the cleaner and the degreaser faithfully. 

Then I came across Young Living. And actually a dear blogging friend from the early days started posting about them on Instagram. It took me a few months and I jumped on the bandwagon. But of course I’d go back and forth with them. 

Then my daughter stole my diffuser and started using them. And I started using them pretty hard core about 8 months ago. In the midst of this I’m trying to find a way to manage my Lupus. 103 degree fevers for days are no fun. And my doctor is really big into alternative medicines. 

So I brought a 14 oz bottle of Thieves cleaner. And I’m blown away. I brought that bottle the middle of July. And I’m still using it. Not only does it clean everything:

It’s so stinking affordable!! I won’t get the full 16 spray bottles because I add it to my Thieves laundry soap (more on that later) but I’m not even half way through the bottle yet. 

It smells amazing. It does a terrific job. And I just have 1 spray bottle for my entire house. I haven’t brought a chemical laden cleaner in almost 3 months. I do make sure I have baking soda (buy the big box at dollar general - you won’t regret it for $2 a box), white vinegar, borax and washing soda on hand. And that is it. 

I must say, my house smells fantastic.  And while my kids are older and know better, when I have little kids over I don't have to worry about them getting into something they shouldn't.  

If you are interested in this cleaner - send me an email - bairk2072 at gmail dot com.

The college that wasn’t meant to be

Remember me saying what a wonderful college Jessie had found and she was so excited to be starting at a college she knew she was going to absolutely love? 

Cue manical hysterical laughter here......

We went to Bradford Schools I don't know how many times to see the college, fill out paperwork, deal with orientation, etc.  Each time she loved it.  

We moved her in the Sunday before Labor Day.  I should have known something was wrong that afternoon.  Tyler and I left her there at 2 p.m. By 8 p.m. (!?!?!?!) I had received no less than 500 text messages, 4 or 5 dozen phone calls, a half a dozen face time videos.  I figured it would just take her a little bit to get used to the school.

Nope.  She called me Monday night. Her roommates were shopping at night and she didn't want to be in the dorm room by herself.  So could I please drive to Columbus and hang out with her.  Because at 18 she still doesn't like to stay home alone at night.

Wednesday night she called me and said she was done with school.  They weren't doing large animals for vet tech just cats, dogs,and mice.  And she wanted to come home.  I told her when she got home on Friday we would talk about it.

Due to our county fair starting on Friday, my parents hauled her butt home Friday afternoon.  And she met them at the car with a ton of her stuff.  She was done.  She didn't like the classes, didn't like the apartment, didn't like any of it.  And not getting to work on large animals was the icing on the cake.

So in amongs dealing with the shit show that was our county fair thanks to the weather, on Sunday morning my dad, her and her boyfriend and I drove back to Columbus to pack all her stuff up and bring her home.  Let's just say I do feel bad for her roommates because what started out as everyone contributing ended up me buying most of the stuff.  The Tv.  The WiFi router,  the printer, the bathroom supplies, the kitchen supplies.  

As we were carting everything to my car I made her text her roommates.  I didn't want them coming back to an empty room.  We got it all in my car and my parents car for the drive home.  And it only took us an hour to pack her back up.

It was a very nice school.  I think it is a terrific program.  I just think it was too much for Jessie to take on all at once.  She is my homebody after all.

And she starts a new school in October.  And it's only 35 min. Away so she will be commuting and working.  Lol. I'm not providing a free ride until she is 50.

I must say though I am glad she was home for a few weeks.  I did have some help getting Tyler to and from all his activities and help around the house.