Thinking

I never thought I'd end up a single mom.  Especially after 24 years of marriage.  And as I followed my son on the way to meet his date for the homecoming dance at a neighboring school, I couldn't help but think (and cry a little) about the turns our lives have taken this past year.

I am not one that thinks parenting is hard.  It is just something that you have to do.  I signed up to have kids almost 20 years ago.  And I have loved every minute of it.  And I am incredibly sad that I don't have someone to share the good times with.

It's scary watching your sign drive to pick up a date.  Just yesterday he was my little boy.

But I'm getting tired.  Tired of working 60+ hours a week to put a roof over our heads.  Tired of no help from my ex (I just finally got an award of temporary spousal support and child support - we will see if he pays it).  Tired of never having any extra. 

But at the same time, I know my son sees what is going on.  I know it in the way he asks me on a Saturday night if I have somewhere to go.  I see it when I'm sitting in the stands on Friday nights and when he comes to the sidelines after coming out on the field he finds me and gives me a thumbs up.  Lord knows he should hear me screaming for him. 

But at the same time, I wouldn't change this season of our life for anything (well, except maybe getting some financial support).  Because I am closer to my kids now than I have ever been.  I have a whole new circle of friends.  I have a place that is all my own to live and I am loving it.