Friday, December 21, 2018

Life takes a hard left

I thought I had it all.  A wonderful husband, terrific kids, a dream mini farm in the country.  Oh how naive I was.

5 years ago I got into some trouble with the law.  I'm not going into details at this point.  It's enough for me to recognize I was incredibly stupid. As one of my best friends and biggest supporters said - despite all that you are a fantastic person. Learn from it and grow.  It's behind you for a reason.

5 years ago last week my husband was in a farming accident.  He slipped on a patch of ice in front of a running corn picker and his hand/arm went into the head of our single row picker.  After a life flight right to a major trauma center and a month in the hospital - he lost his hand.

And we all lost something that following year.

I make no excuses for what I did. I betrayed people who trusted me implicitly.  But more importantly I betrayed the people closest to me.  We thought we could work through everything and keep our family together. But fate has different plans sometimes.

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I'm sure over the next few months I will do harder.  But I have realized something.

Major accidents/trouble can either define you or break you.  And I refuse to be broken.  Am I perfect?  Hell no absolutely not.  Sadly, my husband does not feel the same way.  I know it's depression and stress but I refuse to be bullied, belittled and degraded any more.  The defining moment was when my son said to me "I'd rather live on my own than in this house with you and dad always fighting."  And my daughter has asked why we can't just get along again like we used to.

And believe me - I would love to have my family back.  But I believe there is more and better out there for both of us.  I'm tired of walking on eggshells waiting for the blow ups.  I've tried to hold everything together for 5 long years.

And i realized something about 8 weeks ago. I was at the lowest of lows.  And I really didn't want to continue on with my life.  But my kids have grounded me and pulled me back from the edge time and time again.  Thankfully I have have the belief (and a doctor who agrees) that essential oils can do some good - but that modern medicine can step in and play an important role.

I'm not sure where this new life will lead us, but I intend to live it joyfully, honestly, and to the fullest of my ability.  We truly are given one life to live and I am going to make it a good one.